There’s a fair few ways to reach a point in 5e where you can be considered to be no longer playing the game, where we reach a point where god himself can not stop us, I call this “God Exit” (read that here). This guide does not quite hit that point, as shown later, but it does get a bit too close for me not to comment on it.

There’s a particularly funny way to reach this point, and it doesn’t even need to be a wizard this time. What we’ll need is a way to generate infinite money (Prestidigitation, Fabricate) and/or even better, a way to generate spell components (Minor Conjuration, Creation Bard) . We’ll need an awaken spell too. We can get this from the mark of handling race, or either a druid or bard. We also need a stupidly high amount of downtime.

Chickens are purchasable for 2 copper pieces. Currently there’s no reason to assume they’ll work for us, but we can use awaken to make them sentient and willing to work on our behalf.

because we have infinite chickens to awaken, we just arm them with darts and send them to battle. Any arbitrarily large number of chickens will eventually return victorious.

This is essentially a much stupider version of the infinite planar binding trick, but it does technically come online earlier as the awaken spell lasts for 30 days at 5th level and leaves our targets alive after, where as planar binding has to be used with a 7th level slot to beat that duration.

This is all built on the assumption chickens have stats, but those aren’t listed. we can do the same thing with rats if we have to, much like KFC in real life. we can create mice with prestidigitation and willow shade oil. There’s also trinkets that can bring wildlife to us for us to awaken, should we want to use that instead. The easiest solution is to just buy elephants or horses and awaken those instead. However, chickens are the funniest.

Awaken doesn’t necessarily mean the creatures will go to battle, so what we do from there is we can cast gease on the beasts and instruct them to fight. They *could* all misbehave and die, or they’ll follow instructions and win us free loot. once we have 6th level slots we can get longer lasting chicken armies.

ultimately neither chickens nor awaken nor geas are completely airtight. So we’ll have to do something even stupider. we nystuls the chickens (or other beasts) into celestials and planar bind them. this is verifiably worse than elementals in every conceivable way, but will win fights given enough time.

Or…

Ok, awakened chicken army doesn’t look like it’s getting us as far as we need it to for it to be a god exit. so far it loses to a dragon.

so we need summons that can kill bigger threats, and we should return to chickens, so what’s left?

Necromancy is what is left.

chickens are cheap, chickens have bones. So we go to the bottom of the KFC bucket and use dark magic to create a skeleton chicken. We can gain roughly 18 chicken skeletons a day at 10th, but they’ll go feral after a day. We can charm them, but this is no guarantee. Planar binding works on the undead, so we could get more.

An army of 18 skele-chickens is enough to kill basically anything not immune to non-magical BPS if we equip them with a cannon and give them enough distance. if only we could make a cannon do magical damage.

Here enters the magic weapon spell.

Cannons are siege weapons, therefore, magic weapon works on them. every firing of the cannon does roughly 23 damage assuming 17 AC. 18 chickens can fire it for roughly 138 DPR. This beats most ‘good’ baselines for damage.

This however still isn’t an infinite.

planar binding the chickens can net us 38 chickens at 11th level, which is around 279 dpr. having a 7th level slot gets us to 792 chicken dpr.

but this is still a hard limit.

a demiplane full of feral zombie chickens will absolutely kill anything that isn’t immune to their damage in some capacity, so how do we make less things immune? well, a glyph spell that would work is shadow blade, give them shadow blades upon the opening of the demiplane, causing absolute choas about once opened.

“demiplane full of undead” isn’t really anything new in terms of tech, but infinite chicken zombie variant is certainly entertaining.

an important part of this tech is that we ourselves don’t need to go to fights anymore. we send in phantom steeds carrying chickens who use a magic cannon.

The Sad Truth

the infi-chicken exit is only a pseudo-god exit. it is technically a finite amount of damage that won’t 1-round multiple CR30 monsters. it is however more damage than any single PC can do in a round from a range of 600ft and very little escapes from it.